My Birth Story: When an Unplanned C-Section Challenges Everything

“I can’t do this anymore! Please, I have nothing left to give. Just give me a C-section!” I screamed out the words to my midwife as she leaned in close to my face, firmly encouraging me to give all that I’ve got as the next contraction overwhelmed me. I was 3 hours into pushing, trying—and not succeeding—to bring my baby down and out into my arms. Why wasn’t my body doing what it was meant to do? Why had I gotten to this point and failed? Why did so many other women succeed in this when I couldn’t? These dark questions and more swirled through my muddled, pain-filled brain before another contraction took hold of me. As I let out a desperate scream, one thing I was certain of was what a failure of a woman and birthworker I was. I was sure I would never attend another birth again.

Being a birth doula, childbirth educator, and midwife apprentice, I knew going into my labor and birth that anything was possible. I’ve attended calm, peaceful births where the baby just gracefully makes its entrance into the world, and I’ve also seen more medicalized births with the bright lights, routine episiotomies, and OBs repeatedly shouting “Push!” Through all these births, I always dreamed of what my birth would be like. I pictured going into labor at home. My husband and the doula that I hired would be with me as I labored at home until I was active. Then I’d go to the hospital—home births aren’t really accessible in my area, but I’ve attended enough hospital births to know that I could make it nice enough to fit my dream birth—and calmly get in the tub where I would labor ‘til I was feeling pushy. Then I’d serenely slow dance with my husband, holding me in his arms and whispering encouraging things in my ear, while my doula gave me hip squeezes. Oops, the baby would come so quickly that Josh would have to catch him! There wouldn’t be any tearing in this dream of mine, and of course, breastfeeding would go off without a hitch. Well, as you might be able to guess from the opening paragraph, my birth went nothing like that.

My pregnancy overall was fairly straightforward. I did get diagnosed with gestational diabetes that was medically managed, but I actually lost weight (a win for this girl who has lots of weight to lose!) and was able to keep my blood pressure in a healthy range. There were not really any red flags, and my pregnancy moved along at a fast clip. My 39-week checkup arrived, and I had a high blood pressure reading along with rapid weight gain and swelling. My wonderful midwife, Emily, sent me over to the hospital to get an NST to see how things were looking. I was sent home a few hours later with the agreement to come back the next evening to be induced. My blood pressure was not coming back down, which was a cause for concern. I went home a little bit in shock. One of the most important things I teach in my childbirth class is to avoid unnecessary inductions. Unless it is medically necessary, it is usually better to wait for labor to happen spontaneously. I felt a little bit betrayed by my body, but I tried to get a good night’s sleep and did some work on my peanut ball to get baby into a better position.

We went to the hospital the next evening to start our induction process. The Lord provided a wonderful OB, Dr. Scott, whose wife is a homebirth midwife. He’s attended home births with her and has a wonderfully balanced perspective about birth. I felt like he really heard my concerns and seemed confident that I would be able to give birth naturally. An IV was placed, my labs were drawn, and I was started on oral Cytotec. I was given three doses throughout the night. My blood pressure was staying around 145/90. After the third round, the contractions really started to pick up. I felt like they were getting to be on top of each other. My midwife checked me around noon, and I had dilated to a 3 ½. I decided to get into the tub to try to relax but wasn’t in there for long before I felt like I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. She checked me again, and I had progressed to 7 cm in 45 minutes. At this point, I asked for something for the pain. They gave me a narcotic, which made me feel super loopy. The anesthesiologist and midwife laughed and told me I must not drink or do drugs. I told them I’m just a lightweight!

At this point, things got…interesting. My blood pressure started spiking rapidly. It hit over 200, and I was given magnesium to try to bring it down. The nurses and OB were very concerned that I would have a seizure because of how high it was. Dr. Scott told me he would like to get Pitocin started because he wanted to get baby out quicker if possible. I knew going into labor that if I had to have Pitocin, I would get an epidural. With that comes a loss of mobility as well as having to have a catheter. But for me, I knew I wanted to rest. The nurses started noticing that my urine output had dropped to virtually nothing. My kidneys had begun to shut down. The nurses had to get my blood drawn and were repeatedly poking me, trying to find a good vein that wouldn’t collapse, to no avail. They poked me over 10 times, and Dr. Scott kept coming in saying, “I need to see what her blood levels are, you have to find a vein”. Finally, they got one in my foot. I was pretty out of it for a lot of this time. I remember getting really hot, then cold. Josh seemed oh so far away from me, but in reality, he was by the bed for the most part.

Finally, I felt like I could start pushing. Emily checked me, and I had dilated to 10 cm. She broke my water (and got soaked in the process), and I started to push. Because of my epidural, I couldn’t move like I wanted to. I started feeling more and more pressure as baby moved down. I pushed for a couple of hours and started feeling very fatigued. Everyone was saying I was doing great; they could just barely see baby’s head as it moved down. Even with the epidural, I started to feel what turned into excruciating pain in my back. I have a pre-existing back injury from my time as an EMT, so I soon reached a point where I told everyone that I could NOT be on my back anymore and tried to slide off the bed to relieve the pain. Dr. Scott told everyone sternly that this was not safe and to get me turned over before I did something dangerous. (I guess I wasn’t that serene patient after all!) After another hour of pushing, Dr. Scott checked me again and said, “Abby, I’m going to come back in 45 minutes to discuss your options.” In my mind, I told him, “Can’t we just do the C-section now? I don’t have anything more to give.” But I didn’t have the strength to say it.

Throughout labor, I had been talking out loud, saying, “God, please help me through this next contraction”. But at this point, I started saying, “God, WHY aren’t you helping me?” I remember thinking what a horrible Christian I am and a terrible witness to all the nurses and staff in my room, but I couldn’t help it. I started feeling more and more excruciating pain as the contractions kept coming. The epidural felt like it had worn off completely. I started screaming with every contraction and knew I was losing control. Josh said my eyes looked like those of a wild animal. I started begging everyone who would listen to just give me a c-section. I knew that this baby was not coming, no matter how hard I pushed and repositioned. I didn’t understand why God wasn’t just letting baby move down and come out naturally. Finally, they agreed to take me for a C-section.

It took another 45 minutes for the anesthesiologist to arrive and to get prepped for surgery. I must have been given something to knock me out because I remember waking up as they moved me to the operating table. I remember asking the anesthesiologist to talk to me so I wouldn't have to hear them slicing into me (ok, maybe a bit dramatic!) Josh finally came and sat by my head. I could hear the doctor and midwife talking, and there must have been a lot of nurses and the pediatrician too. The surgery itself seemed to go fairly quickly. I heard Dr. Scott say, “Baby is posterior!” and thinking to myself, “Oh, that makes so much sense why I was having excruciating back pain!” Posterior babies are notorious for causing back labor and have a harder time being born sometimes. Baby came out quickly. I hoped for a cute newborn and not a cone head with lots of bruising. Turns out, ours was perfect! Of course, we might be a little biased. Josh went over to the warmer with baby, and I was sewn up. I finally got to cuddle our sweet miracle and kiss him all over.

I was wheeled back into our recovery room, and Dr. Scott came in a couple of hours later to check on me. He told me I had hemorrhaged severely and lost almost half my blood during the C-section. He watched me closely, but I didn’t end up getting a blood transfusion. Through that first night, they kept me on magnesium for my blood pressure and made sure I didn’t get any blood clots. I was able to breastfeed our baby a little bit. Sleep was completely elusive for me, though. I think the next two days, I didn’t sleep for more than 15 minutes at a time. It felt like torture! Josh was able to sleep on the couch. He was a total champ. I am so blessed to have an amazing husband who took such good care of our baby and me. We were in the hospital for 6 nights. I had never spent even one night in the hospital, so to spend almost a full week in one felt strange, but the staff was amazing for the most part. While we had a good experience at the hospital, we were SO ready to get discharged. We were excited to bring our baby home and start our new life together.

That is my birth story in a nutshell. Honestly, this feels a little like word vomit. As if I should get the words out as fast as I can because they’re distasteful. I’m not proud of my story yet. I look at it and feel shame and overwhelming grief. It’s a lot to process through. But I wanted to share with you all while it’s still pretty fresh. I’m sure I’ll have more helpful posts in the future. In the meantime, I’m going to snuggle my beautiful miracle baby. What a sweet blessing!

Until next time,
Abby